12,13,14,15,16,17; Growth and Change, a Memoir About the Past on My Birthday

Dawn; it's still dark, I sit on a bench,

Awaiting the oncoming light, wondering how much time I have,

It's been a long night, it'll be a long day,

I'm exhausted, listless, but I wear a cocky grin,

As sideways and crooked as the people I'm avoiding,

That's how it had appeared to me, then I was blind,

A viel of weed-smoke, easy money, worthless power and fun,

Pure, raw, adrenaline pumping fun shielded my minds eye, my conscience

I had no morals, but all of the morale a 13 year old could muster,

I excelled only in the areas of my life that I wanted to excell at, all "extra-curricular,"

Nothing else, that was enough for me, I was content,

I had seperate lives and no one knew the true me: not a soul

I had friends, but none so close that I would uncover

every species of my being, so I was ultimately alone,

But more than my parents could hope to entertain; a nusiance,

Delinquent, I had too many encounters with the law..I was punished,

Flung from my Nor-Cal haven to that wasteland reffered to by most as Strongsville,

No longer free, respected, paid..no longer befriended,

Now I was truly a loner, an outcast, riding my older brothers coat-tails,

I adopted his nickname; the ultimate humiliation: taco.

I spit at successful people, smirk at pain and danger, I hate racism.

I miss freedom, I miss confidance, I'm hungry for real life...hell, for home!

The Brainchild, Lover and Mother of Creativity...hmmm....

I love music, I do, all music. It's rare that I hear something I don't like, I will admit I hold animosity toward Def Leopard, Fall Out Boy, 50 Cent, Megadeath, Poison, Nelly and Kenny Chesney, but theres a long explanation for all of them oh and I can't stand David Lee Roth...
Anyway...
Usually I've found that if I ask a person what their musical preference is I'll get a straight answer one out of fifteen times. The other fourteen are devided evenly between " Everything," the exclusive "everything except country," the just as common and just as exclusive "everything except rap," and naturally I'll get "everything except rap and country." So here is my challenge my musically narrow freinds; I want YOU! to listen to this song from this video, http://urbansoulnation.com/Videohtml/camplovideo.htm . It's called Luchini, by camp lo. It's from an era of rap where New York was king, hip hop was creative and was inspired by a love of the flow, not money, lots of jewlery and hoes. Next, "I want you to to find the greatest man I never knew" by Reba McEntire, I wasn't lucky enough to find a video for it, but i do have a link for the lyrics, feel free to peep at http://www.hotlyrics.net/lyrics/R/Reba_McEntire/The_Greatest_Man_I_Ever_Knew(in_the_style_of_Reba_McEntire).html
yea, there ya go, have at it, or as my Pops would say, "expand your horizons. Peace.

The Brainchild, Lover and Mother of Creativity



When she holds me, my mind she doth carry,
Wrapped around my brain, heart body and soul,
'Plucks at hidden strings with black garbed fingers,
She is ancient and spry, young and wise, Blest
am I

To have her near me, for I am in love,
Alas, I must share her perfection with
uncountable millions, more perhaps,
Than a man could possibly imagine,
Beauty:

Hers is unparalleled, but she can be
as ugly or hideous as any
one person can concieve,fathom, believe,
Dull, insightful, poetic, abrasive,
Wond'rous...

But she is dearly appreciated
by those she eas'ly and so oft seduce,
Penetrates the ears and shant be ignored,
Caressing the mind with her sharp and quick tounge,
Voiceless,

Sometimes without speaking, sometimes as shrill
as the whine of swine, though she can trill
like a dove, drone, beelike; all with ease,
Yet there are those that are oblivious,
Senseless,

Are their claims of her gratuitoussness,
For she hath impregnated minds with the
greatest of inspirations, and of the
most heinous of crimes; she is important,
utmost

And still greater ignorance lies with those
that would insult parts of her perfect form,
Her voice, hands, skill and entire regions
of her body, though a soul insulting
her whole

Is more than doubtful to say the least,
for she was born with the natality
of the first man to grace the earth though her
voice came a very short while later,
She has

Rolled among rocks, choired while feeling blue,
Lost some maturity having a scent,
remenescent of late adolescence
in a garage somewhere in seattle,
Hardened,

On an inexhaustable count of urban streets,
Has graced the Ancient of Days pages and
been recited in countless ways in
countless tounges, people prayed with her mor'n once,
Perfect...

she is,

joyous,

lovely,

mine and,

The Earth's,

Eternally.

- What is she? Who is she? ...think about it, send me your educated guesses, I may or may not tell ya in the future,

I'm Ready to die part duex (take two)




When I die, Frankly I think my destination will be Hell,
I've lived my life the wrong way, but to my friends It's hard to tell,
A reject;
Placed in an alien society because to my parents I was delinquent,
Reluctant to relinquish my more than mischievious ways,
Larceny, posession and extortion,
'convinced that my mother wished she'd had an abortion,
Out of two, and having an older brother, i was certainly considered the worst,
Frequently lying to my pastor, stealing from my mothers purse,
and more than once from the collection plate,
I became a person I've learned to know and hate,
Like Frost, I've found my own path to take,
Far less traveled, far rougher and no where as near narow and straght,
A strait, through the sea of sin and deception,
I needed and still need a lapse from my moral recession,
My lesson?
truly I have not learned it yet,
Direction? Firstly I want directions; guidelines set,
A confession?
I shant give one, lest my inner most thoughts preserved,
Then perverted is my definition of the word,
For I keep my thoughts to myself,
I shed tears alone,
My true identity,
A mystery,
To all but myself,
So help me God,
I need God's help.

- I wrote this with no organization whatso ever for a reason; I myself am not organized. I lay my thoughts on the table before thee, dear reader, for this is probably the most personal poem I hath writ yet, likely it is, I shant write one so near to me henceforth.
I wrote something like this about myself about a month after writing part one (...three years ago), but i lost it so I thought I'd have another crack at it: consider this the REvised REvamped re-storation of it..BE sure to Respond

The Tree, The Earth, The Rain

There was once a tree, alone in a plain,

Transplanted from a far away forest,

Twisted, charred, ugly, half dead it stood,

Foreign to the tall native stalks of golden grain

The tree, slowly dying, even more maimed,

Than the condition it arrived, but before it

held some of its form, back then it still could,

The problem; it knew not old Earth, nor precious Rain

Earth knew this so he told the sky to rain,

The tree, for a brief moment was content,

Its branches fuller, its leaves bright as day,

But after the storm, it cried, it wilted, it sighed

It thirsted, and once again wilting, pained,

The life giving water had stopped, was spent,

So earth told sky to rain again, to save

the tired withered tree that was destined to die

Earth crafted a reservoir around tree,

So the next time it rained a stream would form,

Rain fell from sky and filled the empty hole,

The wonders of Earth, told to tree by rain, now stream

It took so long, but tree could finally see,

Could understand, it might not be the norm,

Not in the plain, but never alone, so,

With Earth and Stream, Tree could watch distant sun gleam

And even though Tree knows Stream will one day be gone, being with Rain was a treat,

And Tree feels far less stranded among Grain with knowledge of Earth; he feels great

-for those who wish to understand the metaphor, I am the tree, my ex-girl friend is the water, God is the Earth and the Sun is the future. Understandably, the sun was gleaming somewhat more brightly before I was dumped.

I'm Ready To Die....

But not suicidal,
Quick to write,
slow to recitals,
not tonight,
feeling dizzy,
mind's clouded,
eyes misty,
throat droughted,
nose dripping,
fists curled,
mettle's tipping,
whole world,
unbalanced,
unnecessary,
no talent,
I confess; scary,
So mad,
depressed,
not glad,
Seacrest,
mentality,
working,
emphatically,
irking,
always,
never,
no change,
treasure,
none,
not,
fun,
haught,

I'm Ready to Die

- this was a fun one, I really enjoyed writing it. It's simple and basic, to-the-point, non-metaphorical, but it's syllabic strucure deacys untill the very last line when i restate the title so it does have an interesting rhyme pattern that's tied in. Perhaps you can tell I wasn't feelling my best that day.
I hate to elaborate more than Ive written but it has an interesting birth. As you can read in an earlier entry, I can rap. Well, a while back I was very disappointed that it had been taking so long just to record a demo with a freind of mine. It was four months before he got back to me and told me I wasn't good enough to make an appearance on his mixtape (frankly at the time I don't think I was either, but I'm much better now and that is beside the point). So I wnated to share my gloomy feelings via another blog (livejournal, my user name is also SkanMan* if you wish to view my profile there). I wanted to make a creative post, at first, a rap. But I decided since I wasn't good enough, I'd write a poem. Thus; Skan's first poem is born.

*Skan, SkanMan or any other variation of The Skandalous One you can come up with are my aliases. If you really want me to, I'll give an explantion in a later post.

Obsessions

What dictates our fascination with material things,

Who determines our selfish interests,

When do we understand what finality brings,

Why do we mourn when our gains diminish

We are our own detriments,

We do things we dare not mention,

We will one day wish we had not spent,

Everything on our meaningless obsessions

- This was one Id didn't work too hard on, but I thought it deserved to be posted. I dunno, tell me what ya think.

Make the Right Decision

Everyone who registered to vote, will make a difference in this election, and its gonna' be close, because of the simultaneous distaste and popularity of each candidate, we'll watch the news, keep up wit the polls, stay informed about the data, who comes in first and second, or Alpha, Beta, who becomes the official inauguration proclomata', hopefully that person will be Senator Kerry, any other candidate would be more than scary, especially Bush, with his various, nefarious characters that vary their views when the situation gets carried away, out of their control, remember in the 2000 election, yes I'm accusing them of fixing the polls, the Florida votes, if that didn’t happen, who knew who would’ve held the most, the popular majority, from the east to the west coast, he barely had the electorate, and altogether lost popular consent, and with his new power what does he do? ' takes a longer vacation then any president would choose, to take, maybe he would’ve paid, closer attention to the foreign affairs report, if he didn’t spend so much time in his home state, he goes to war with Afghanistan ok, but then outta nowhere he decides to go to war with Iraq, and that was a mistake, he shouldn’t have made, the Iraqi government didn't do anything to us, but George Dubya' told us, danger lied there and it was a precautionary must, and he asked for our support, our prayers and our trust, what he didn’t tell us was that he also needed the lives of American soldiers, but the death toll is still rising, man, he should've told us, then maybe we never, had a second Vietnam that would go on forever, because obviously he' s got no plan, but he's the head honcho, the big cheese, the head man, but Kerry's the dude, that'll give the American people the break that we're due, And of course if President Bush looses the popular vote and wins the electors, were gonna' take the rightful winner by force, demand to have proportional representation, oh now you wanna' talk…Now watch me rip the inaugural address from his arms, in font of his girls, his first then second born, make his wife get onna' horn, got problems? call minister Farrakhan, so he can persuade me ta' squash it, I'll say "naw he started it," he forgot how to run this land, and he's gonna' lose by not so unpopular man, lets go Democrat fans, so forget it man, vote, but make the right selection…lets' see Senator Kerry win the 2004 presidential election!

However it is really unfortunate, we don’t have an alternate, choice, because every one has already raised they' voice, clear, and for another coupla' years, the country will continue to be run into an economic stitch, let our national debt continue to slip, who won, I'll tell you it was that son of a...bush, im ready to push, that trigger-happy Texan outta' office, whos anger is he gonna' be sparkin', next, make the U.N. hate us more, I wonder if were gonna have four more wars, along with four more years, im sure there are rumors circulating around the North Koreans ears, the question is will the G.O.P. confirm the Far East's fears, Im not a republican, no, not even a little bit, and yes I am surprised Kerry didn’t win, talk a lil spin, Al Gore got closer and he "invented the internet", that’s a reason why im not a Bush fan, also, Supposedly my man, Kerry flip-flops but Bush has said he was part of three different religions, no exaggeration, and no I aint kiddin', protestant, othodox to Baptist, the man, needs classes for practice to tap this, jurrasic, crab shack, national ditch, drop the hatchet, remove the political figurehead, I really wanted to have Democrat Blue, rather than Republican red, trim around the inauguration, celebration, devestation to this nation, im inna rage and Bush's win is something that im always gonna remember ,and it isn't gonna be official till the middle of December, but in support of my favorite presidential contender, I'm not takin this pin off 'till the last day of school, consider this, its my tool, to use, to explain my views, without sayin' a word, his presidency slipped through his fingers, flew away like a bird, but technically the man didn’t lose, he conceded, he dropped outta the race, and therefore was not defeated, so beat it, if you try to tell me he lost, what do you think would happen if the majority didn’t go to the boss? he would’ve turned the election, into a court battle, he woulda' cried, sat on cheney's lap, and shook his rattle, the man woulda' looked infantile, sittin in his crib, he can only read written words, look at the debates, proof he definitely cant ad-lib, cant improvise, cant think on the run, let alone think on the fly, bye guys im out, I woulda liked to see Kerry in the presidents chair, do you know what im talking about? now my rhyme is done my time is none….so thank you for letting me get up here wit'out a mic, kick it and let my style run….

- I did this last year for a presentation in my government calss so for the record I rap and yea, You could say I'm pretty damn liberal.

Me and my hair

It is unruly, untidy, but not unkempt,

It will not stay where I want, but stay, it wants,

I would say it is bouncy, but dark, twisted,

Roots strong; tenacious, vivacious …Courageous?

Not necessarily, it is however,

testing its own hosts will, unafraid, and

Unperturbed, forest like, thick and tangled,

Not unlike the jungles it so resembles,

Uninhabited it may very well be,

But not character-less, formed so-to-speak, stout,

Paradox. An oxymoronic statement;

Not sentiment-less, but not sentimental,

For both beauty and worth are of course not only

Within the tired eye of the sole beholder,

But also to those close, knowing of this One,

Who see value in those vines, those curls, that scruff,

Those eyes

That One

That hair

That Person

- C'mon folks! Waht is this really about, I mean i have messy hair but d'ya think I'd label it tenacious? For the record I'm describing myself...while hyperbolyzing (is that a word?) upon my curly mane and my rascaly mein.

Where Am I From?

I am from compact disks, Panasonic and Memorex,

I am from insurmountably disorganized, shuffled things,

(Loose, jumbled, they appeared like lost children searching for temporarily absent mothers).

I am from the disheveled flowers barley kept alive by my mother's hand,

The gargantuan oak centered in Todd Grove Park that offered its limbs to countless residents,

From the salty air I can taste as my stepfather, brother, and I probe the ocean for members of its aquatic community

I am from Gramma Connie's tamales Navidades (Christmas tamales) and perpetual bickering,

From Rolando and Ryan "Bazooka Tooth" Oliverez,

I'm from the BE NEAT's and ARE YOU STUPID's?!,

From Turn it down and you're really not that good,

I'm from the Bible I never opened until I was in seventh grade and then read in its entirety if only to set out to scoff at in its entirety ,

From the baptism in Christ's name I received only a short while ago without my family's knowledge despite my former hesitancy, heresy, and hypocrisy

I'm from Chicago, but half my blood is from the Southland,

From my step-fathers famous pot roast to my fathers famous fidello,

From the pain my mother felt, synonymous with the neglect of her father she often mentioned,

From my uncle Roli's renowned stubbornness,

I am from glimpses and memories,

Fabled family felonies,

Locked in boxes, minds, and holes for foxes,

Unperturbed, undisturbed held by those who don’t deserve,

The sheer weight and worth that go with such responsibility.

-yea, I'm a Mexican, or at the very least a "half beaner" as Carlos Mencia would say.

One fine day with a woof and a purr...?